You're weak, desperate and it's obvious,
Betrayed by words that burned on contact.
The hand that helped you up,
Shoved that knife in your back.

It's fluidly twisting itself,
Through the lies that you've danced with.
You can pretend it all you want,
But you're the picture of tainted innocence.

Just like every other human soul,
Crushed by the weight of overwhelming pain,
Wrenching inhuman desires from our lips,
That fall as tears of blood-red rain.

That soaks the broken concrete,
And stains our calloused feet.
In unison we cry out,
For miracles we'll never see.

It was a whimper of truth,
Among the crowd of screaming hearts,
That recognized our suffering,
As an entirely human art.

5/12/09

The safety of arms,
To hold you as you sleep.
Tears that silently fall on the blankets,
Of the hard empty bed you now keep.
Memory of the warmth,
That once encased you whole,
Those thin grey blankets,
Just don't do a good enough job.
Endless hours of rambling and yelling,
That you'd give anything to hear.
The shouts and orders and endless noise,
Just don't really compare.
The man with the gun beside you,
He's almost got his face.
Shake those thoughts from your head.
That's sacrifice.

3/31/09

Above hardened hearts and streetlights,
Beyond these concrete walls,
Don't think the sky has saved you.
This is where even angels fall.

3/6/09

Be steady now.
Ignore the brush of tears.
Place your trembling hands on mine.
If we're lucky, we'll forget why we're here.

There's no need to remember.
This fight's been fought out worse.
I thought I'd been over this,
But I can't help it if it still hurts.

So give me a reason to smile.
Whisper brokenly that it's alright.
Hold me like the world's falling away,
Because if you don't, you know it just might.

Show me why I love you.
Pretend that nothing's wrong.
Trust me when I say I need this.
Now don't let me down.

12/2/08

Stuck on my own version of truth,
It’s hard to believe that you’re not really there.
All this time you’ve been missing,
From my heart, I always felt it somewhere.

And I assumed that you meant what you said.
That promised words never went to waste.
And now it’s hard to look you in the eye.
Denied luxury, I only wanted a small taste,

Of everything that you offer,
To everyone, don’t you see?
It’s a small condolence, I know,
That you’re everything to me.

A surreal fantasy, that’s what you are,
Beautiful to look at, amazing to know.
A surreal existence, that’s what I know,
After heartache, I learned to play my role.

Tucked in your open arms, I have to say I’m scared.
Nothing feels right, and I don’t know why.
You won’t comfort me, can you sense my despair?
Tell me now, did you lie?

It wasn’t suppose to hurt this badly,
But I couldn’t make myself leave.
You don’t believe I’m drowning,
But I can’t breathe.

11/5/08

The sheer curtains hung over the windows,
Do nothing to block the sunlight, block the pain.
Waking was always the hardest part.
You couldn't stop yourself from moaning his name.

It makes perfect sense, really,
After all that's said and done.
It was never his burden to bear.
You shouldn't be suprised that he's gone.

Even after all he did and didn't do,
It's not his fault you're falling apart.
You're just mad he didn't take the blame,
And took the opportunity, took a stab at his heart.

Now you drown yourself in fantasy,
In a world of your creation.
You put down on paper,
Exactly what you wanted from him.

You're too afraid to stop and think,
But I bet that you'd regret it,
Because you should know by now,
That fantasy ended.

And when you live out your dreams,
Through notebooks and fear,
You curse your wandering mind,
Wondering why the hell he's not here.

8/13/08

Did you know what you were doing,
When you eased yourself into my life?
Not an easy feat considering,
All I've done to keep you out.

There's something you're not telling me.
Then again, there's a lot that you don't know.
I've found something I never knew I needed,
Deep within eyes that aren't my own.

I don't know if it's wrong.
I don't know if it's right.

Strange how I'm falling faster,
While you've got me walking on clouds.
You know it doesn't make any sense.
Tell me how you worked that one out.
Funny how I'm feeling something,
Like a stirring deep inside.
I thought I knew better but,
I think I feel alive.

You're here with me tonight.
I've got you right by my side.
I look at you, I don't know why,
Can't help it, I'm terrified.

It's this reality I crave.
There's so much to lose.
I suppose you should know,
I'm taking a chance on you.

I don't know if it's wrong.
I don't know if it's right.

Strange how I'm falling faster,
While you've got me walking on clouds.
You know it doesn't make any sense.
Tell me how you worked that one out.
Funny how I'm feeling something,
Like a stirring deep inside.
I thought I knew better but,
I think I feel alive.

Selfish maybe,
But I can't help myself.
It's such a rush, this feeling.
You know you're really something else.

Strange how I'm falling faster,
While you've got me walking on clouds.
You know it doesn't make any sense.
Tell me how you worked that one out.
Funny how I'm feeling something,
Like a stirring deep inside.
I thought I knew better but,
I think I feel alive.

8/2/08

Angry words,
And bitter thoughts,
That's all that's left.
There's nothing left to lose.

You're staring straight at me.
You're sitting just across the room.
But for as attainable as you are,
I might as well be reaching for the moon.

Insults thrown like gunshots,
That nearly took out my heart,
Left bulletholes in my chest.
Your words hit their mark.

They left an aching wound,
But I can't tell you what I need.
Such scathing accusations,
That nearly made me bleed.

Now, my heart's never been broken,
But that doesn't really matter.
It's been cracked so many times,
I'm suprised it hasn't shattered.

I'll cry, we'll say we're sorry,
You know we always do.
But even wrapped up in your arms,
I've never felt farther from you.

7/7/08

You know, I'd give damn near anything,
To not be able to cry.
Stupid thought, that's what you're thinking,
But maybe not if you knew why.

You told me to get over it, right?
It's so easy, forgive and forget.
Yes, I know quite well how to forgive.
It's forgetting that I haven't mastered yet.

Not when each and every betrayal,
Every hurtful thing you've said,
Is burned inside my memory,
And is always running through my head.

What do you really think?
That I like living in all this pain?
I want more than anything,
To forget, to be happy again.

You don't know how much it kills me inside,
When I feel that I can't trust you.
And it really does break my heart,
That I don't have faith that you'll come through.

So you don't need to blame me.
Not when I already know it's my fault.
Just be patient, a little bit longer,
While this inner war is fought out.

7/3/08

Don't pretend you know me.
Don't pretend to care.
Don't you try and love me.
Don't you dare.

Such an upset you caused,
Shook me completely apart.
Stuck in my dark little world,
I couldn't see out.

Just a fading reminder,
This place, why I'm here now.
The person I couldn't help but be,
And now, it's all making sense now.

Shadows of past mistakes,
They echo, echo my shame,
And the silence, a silence so deafening,
It's driving me insane.

So persistant in your company,
You, you're nothing to me.
See the rage, bound up by chains,
Don't let it out.

Words won't help you.
Excuses get in the way.
The truth is far too dangerous.
Listen to what I don't say.

Such an upset you caused,
Shook me completely apart.
Stuck in my dark little world,
I couldn't see out.

Just a fading reminder,
This place, why I'm here now.
The person I couldn't help but be,
And now, it's all making sense now.

Your light is so captivating.
Here, here's my chance,
For this, a kind of redemption.
I want it so bad.

So necessary in your presence,
You, you're everything to me.
See the lock, chained over my heart,
And now I can't get out.

Just a fading reminder,
This place, why I'm here now.
The person I couldn't help but be,
And now, it's all making sense now.

All making sense now...

6/28/08

This is actually a song. It appears in my story, A Risk Worth Taking.

I see hands that aren't mine,
Touching your chest,
Running up your arms,
Her arms encircling your neck.

I hear a voice that isn't mine,
Whispering in your ear,
Making dirty little promises,
Telling you what you want to hear.

I see a body that isn't mine,
Molded against your skin,
Touching you in places,
That she has no business touching.

I see a look in your eyes,
The one that you always gave me,
There it is, that hunger,
And I know exactly what it means.

I see lips that aren't mine,
Searching, devouring you whole.
You bastard, doesn't it matter,
That she doesn't love you at all?

I see you look straight past me,
With that cheshire grin.
It hurt like hell when you lied,
"Oh her, she's just a friend."

4/16/08

Her mask of indifference,
Contorted, twisted in pain.
Is this what you wanted?
Just what do you stand to gain?

From breaking her,
From bleeding out her heart.
She came to me in tears one night,
Said that she'd had enough.

She claimed she loved you,
And she couldn't let you go,
But now there would be no pain,
Because she won't ever let it show.

She turned a blind eye to your actions.
Love and hurt, they're the same.
You tell me everything's great.
I question whether she's sane.

But I know she's dying inside,
Slowly withering away.
What would it take to open your eyes?
Because she's slipping farther every day.

Is this what you wanted?
Now there's nothing you can do.
She's nothing more than a shell,
An empty shell of the girl I once knew.

4/3/08

Tattered edges of a fantasy,
Lie dormant inside a head.
Notions of love and carefree joy,
Sewed down, with a fragile thread.

Feelings this obscure,
Were surely no accident,
But couldn't be part of the reality,
On which you were so hell bent.

And the achievements that you reach,
That I most certainly deny,
Were creations of ambitions,
That were meant to leave me behind.

Perhaps it is a blindness,
Which ails your fragile mind,
The thought that I can't feel,
To where feelings are denied.

And I've begun to believe it too,
Contradictary to what's been said.
And until I drop these contrived pretenses,
You'll never know how we lied.

So with cautious hope,
Yet entirely cynical reprieve,
I'll be following blindly, the path you forge,
No matter how carefully I tread.

3/22/08

I heard a prayer the other day.
One about anger, sorrow... and joy,
Joy that comes from the strength,
Of realizing, of loving, everything you are.

It got me thinking,
Here's something you don't know,
That I'm slowly falling apart,
And now it's beginning to show.

Months of slow torture,
In the form of loneliness and shame,
Have me feeling hopeless,
They're the source of all this pain.

It's this dead kind of feeling,
Like I'll never wake up.
I can't even remember what it felt like,
When love was always enough.

I thought I was doing you a favor,
By keeping my troubles locked inside.
But if I would have said something,
Maybe I'd feel like you were on my side.

Now the tears run unbidden,
Down this damaged heart,
Because I don't have the courage,
To keep them from tearing me apart.

I'm going to start praying now,
Hoping that God will somehow hear my pleas,
That somehow, in some way,
I'll find the strength to get up off my knees.

3/8/08

Apparently the person I am now,
Doesn’t really like who I used to be.
Or else it never would have started the fight,
And begged the future me to agree.

The past most definitely wouldn’t have resurfaced,
And brought me to my knees.
When it hit full force, I stared stupidly,
At all the mistakes that came to define me.

Most definitely the person I will become,
Feels some reluctance in letting go.
It’s so hard to choose sides, especially when,
It involves letting go of everything you know.

His dangerous ways caught her eye,
Long before she knew she was caught.
And in her head she still hears the warnings,
They told her, 'These things never work out.'

But he laughed at her fears,
Thinking she'd never catch on.
He said, 'It's your life baby,
You call the shots.'

And while he played her game,
Stripping her naiveté all the while,
She shot, 'Innocence never did captivate me,
Nothing like his smile.'

Simple charm works magic on the heart,
She discovered the hard way.
This was hardly her fairytale romance,
But she thought, 'It's too late to walk away.'

He was too much like a drug, and when he left,
She cried, 'I should have listened.'
She should have known that he was trouble,
When he told her, 'You don't know what you're missing.'

She could barely hear him whisper,
Over the precarious beating of her heart,
'You know you're not the only one I've broken,
But the only one I've managed to scar.'

12/26/07

I keep my guard up.
Watch for the subtle movement of your eyes,
That tells me that you've noticed,
And sooner or later you'll turn and ask 'why?'

But that's really more of a statement,
That's clearly telling me to stop,
Staring at you with lovestruck eyes,
Something I rather like to do a lot.

But I'm safe for the moment,
Because you never, ever look my way.
That's probably for the best because honestly,
I really have no idea what I'd say.

Oh I can sit and dream of all the smart things to say,
That would keep your attention all on me.
And then you'd like to get to know me better,
You see, in my fantasies, we were meant to be.

My thoughts are drifting now,
I've realized far too late and fleeting,
And I snap myself back to attention.
It won't do me any good to start daydreaming.

Because in reality, which is nothing like my dreams,
I'm not so smart or funny, and believe me I know it.
But I don't really need to worry too much,
Because you've never noticed.

12/02/07

You prowl the land,
With a fierceness in your eyes,
Which glow with a chilling light,
Silver as the moon shines.

Soft tendrils of unatural wind,
Tease wispy patterns in the fog.
You may not understand your fate,
But you can't deny the mark of the gods.

10/07

She floats on the wind
like she owns the air she rides,
but don’t disturb her.
She’s fragile, that butterfly.

The myriad of bright colors
that grace her lovely wings
are her only defense as
her threats are bold, but empty.

She flies upon disguised wings,
that tragic little butterfly,
hoping for the wind’s strength,
that escape is where it lies.

Until the color bleeds,
and wings tear unto all,
by showers of tears
that were never meant to fall...

The bits and pieces
of red and yellow and black
float to the ground.
They’re laying on the sidewalk.

You want to hold something precious
as she is to the naked eye,
but don’t touch her.
She’s fragile, that butterfly.

8/15/07

Please don’t cry my dear.
Just lay down to bed,
And I’ll try my best,
To quell your fear.

Don’t talk my dear.
Don’t give voice to the demons,
That reside inside your head,
In the dark where you keep them.

Don’t look my dear.
And you won’t have to see,
The hand that reaches for you,
And the way it bleeds.

Cover your ears my dear.
You should never have to hear,
The muffled cries in the other room.
Pretend they’re not that near.

You don’t have to wake up my dear.
The wounds are much too deep.
You’ll always be safe here,
If only you remain asleep.

7/6/07

Find a way to stop the pressure,
Welling up deep inside.
Did you know that you'd explode,
If you never tried?

Well maybe that's alright with you,
But I can't possibly see,
How so much promise could be wasted,
On a less than guarantee.

I know you don't believe me,
Or maybe you don't care,
That innocent dreams were wasted,
In the midst of your despair.

You may think it hurts,
And the world's all going to hell,
But I could shine a light in your dark,
And I bet you could never tell.

There's no treatment in your sight,
That could dignify your lies.
Don't wait until it's too late,
And the pressures realized.

5/16/07

When your heart's on parade,
For all the world to see,
That's when you fall.
That's when you sink.

Nothing's so vunerable,
As the love that you hide.
Nothing could hurt so bad,
As what you hold inside.

Maybe you've cried too much.
Never tears of joy.
Maybe you want it so bad,
That you can't see anymore,

How much he's taken from you,
And that he's stolen your heart.
And you'll never believe,
That he's tearing you apart.

You've spent so many nights,
Wishing on a fading star.
And without that dream,
Do you even know who you are?

He alone could break your heart,
But he'll never know.
You've spent so much time holding on,
That maybe it's time to let go.

5/3/07

In the wind that whispers,
Through the silloetted trees,
Plays a song my heart hears,
An enchanting melody.

It sings of love and pain,
With a haunting croon.
And in voices so sweet,
It sings of the moon.

4/5/07

I can't do this.
I never was that strong.
And I can't pretend anymore,
That nothing is wrong.

I can't smile,
When all I want to do is cry.
I can't tell you it's okay,
But believe me, I've tried.

I can't tell you what to expect.
I'll fall wherever I'm thrown.
But please stand beside me.
I can't do this on my own.

3/29/07

Do you remember those days?
When we ruled the world,
When we were driving in my car,
Just us two girls.

We rode on mattresses.
And to put it simply,
We flew down that highway,
Going negative fifty.

That wasn't all.
We turned sedans into explorers,
And we laughed the whole time,
And there was so much more.

On top of it all,
And by all, I mean the car,
Because we rode on the roof.
I can't believe it got that far.

Then we eventually,
Came back to reality,
But always remember,
Denial is the first step to recovery.

And now I sit here thinking,
Of a perfect memory,
When we ruled the world,
Just you and me.

3/24/07